My Overkill.
The days have gone by painfully, and slowly chipped away what precious time I had to meet the ends of my priority. In hindsight, I realised how fragile my willpower can be and just how malleable I can bend my perseverance, or lack of. It happened before, but those didn't hit me quite as hard as this time.
There wasn't really just one word like "emo" or "lame" to describe what I did or rather what I didn't do. I guess I could say I don't know why I did it, but then again whatever the true reason we tell ourselves, they are just a mean to justify the end.
I sought to go back to that age when I was still fresh to the world where "consequence" was nothing more than a big word. My logical self went AWOL, and that little brat inside me took over. People say they have a voice in their head or what others would call a conscience. My conscience bsod-ed, which made me think if I ever had one.
Sometimes I ask myself if this is normal...the things I do, if my friends have had the same decisions to make. What would it be like when I have kids of my own then? My dad sure as hell didn't talk to me about this, and maybe there wasn't a need to. Maybe it's just so trivial and nonsensensical that it wasn't even an idea at the first place. Or maybe it was expected that I would come up with my own answers and conclusions but I guess my parents will never be there all the time to whoop my ass when I fall out of line. I'll have to be my own jury, judge and executioner.
Whatever it was, we are the makers of our own destiny. What we sow, we reap. What was done is a result of our own actions, something no one can change. But in view of my distorted perception, what I learned is to not care when I choose not to. I mean, not letting it phase me at all when I choose the darker path. If you're gonna do something bad, and you know it's bad, then don't feel bad about it then or afterwards. If you do, then you're not doing it right! -the bad thing... I mean, guilt is just a waste of time. Why feel guilty later when now, you know you're just gonna feel like shit afterwards. Things rarely go wrong when you're doing what makes you happy, because even if it did go wrong, but you're still happy about it, then it's not really wrong is it? I'd like to think I've done things correctly but for the wrong reasons because in the end I still did something right. I don't know that anymore.
"Be your own man Ben." If you know it's wrong but you still do it anyway, then quit feeling like shit because if you do, then it just wasn't worth doing. Hell sometimes things are just out of your element. But still, SUCK IT UP AND QUIT BITCHIN'.
Try what I mean, and when things start looking up again because of what you do or didn't supposed to do, you'll feel lighter. Screw up a few times, don't worry about it. Life is more than just exams and paperwork.
"To err is to be human." But to err and get over it is to be strong and smart. There ought to be a stronger word to describe both like strart or smrong... I think that life is not just a measure of greatness, but a measure of mistakes too...because then I'd be hell awesome having wronged so many things so many times lol
It's time to get the kid to bed, and start rolling out the porn (metaphorical of course!).
